Murmaider
by Red Lioness
Summary: The band meets a mysterious and beautiful stranger who enchants Toki. Toki should not love things.


The water heaved as Toki flung his drenched Gibson Flying V onto the deck and heaved up a lungful of the pink breathing fluid.

"Dere's monsters in de sea!" He announced.

"Did yous gets de track?" Skwisgaar asked.

"What happened to the diving . . . . thingie?" Nathan growled.

"Sea monsters broke de cables!" Toki choked, staggering to his feet. "I swimmed. I swimmed trough all de sharks and eels and fishes."

"Oh." Nathan appeared to consider this for a minute. "Did you get the track?"

"I sawed de sea monster! It chased de Knubbler sub ups!"

"We need that track, Toki," Pickles stated flatly.

"I cans plays it. Tokis playinks is terr--" The big Swede was cut off at the sub lurched sideways, dumping everyone onto the floor.

"Oh shucks! My guitar!" Toki wailed. Sure enough, the Gibson slid back across the deck to plop into the brine.

"Nice goinks, Toki! You cannots even told onto yours guitar!"

"Perfect! Now what are we going to do?" Nathan growled.

"I broughts more guitars," Toki said. "Lets me go gets anoder one."

Before the Norwegian could make good on his offer, the water in the docking pool bubbled, roiled, and the neck of the electric guitar broke the surface.

"It floatsh? Now that'sh a quality guitar," Murderface said. "I'd like to shtand on that thing."

The guitar heaved back towards the edge of the dock, throwing up a small wake. Dethklok watched as the instrument klunked softly against the metal and stayed there for a moment. Then, one small, webbed hand grasped the edge of the dock, then another on the other side of the Gibson. A pretty, feminine face appeared over the body of the guitar, peering curiously at the five men assembled.

"_Havfine!"_ Toki exclaimed, pointing.

"Can'ts be!" Skwisgaar snorted. "No such things!"

"What'sh a havfine?" Murderface asked.

The woman -- at least it appeared to be a woman -- put Toki's guitar up on the edge of the dock.

"Is -is like fish ladies from 'Murmaider' song," the big Swede stated.

"_Havfine!"_

"It can't be a mermaid; Knubbler must have hired an actress to swim around in a fish tail for the video," Pickles opined.

"He hasn't even made it back to the surface yet; how could he have hired an actress already?" Nathan wondered.

"_Havfine!_"

The 'havfine' appeared totally ignorant that she was being discussed. Dark hair slicked against her pale skin, she set both hands on the edge of the dock and heaved herself upwards.

The boys in the band had just enough time to notice she was naked before she twisted and set her rump on the edge of the dock.

A rather large fin was protruding from her back.

"Whoa! It really is a f//guitar riff//king mermaid!" Nathan yelped.

"There's no such thing as -- Shit, she's got a f//guitar riff//king fish tail!" Pickles yelped.

"Doesh she have a p//guitar riff//y?"

The other members of Dethklok turned and stared at Murderface.

"What?! Don't look at me like that! Knowing how mermaidsh have shex hash puzzled hishtoriansh for hundredsh of yearsh! Thish ish for shcience. Toki, doesh she have a p//guitar riff//y?"

Toki was edging closer and closer to the mermaid, pushed along by Skwisgaar, who was having to stoop down to properly hide behind his fellow Scandinavian.

"I don't see no cat," Toki said doubtfully.

"Joo is such a little kids, Toki," Skwisgaar sneered. "_I _finds out if you can has sex with her."

The mermaid picked up Toki's waterlogged guitar and held it in her lap, derailing the scientific expedition into her nether regions. She smiled at Toki, a mouthful of painfully sharp teeth making the gesture lose some of its friendliness. Using the sharp claws on the ends of her delicate fingers, she picked at the strings. She was apparently aping the movements she had seen Toki use in the diving bell, but didn't quite get it.

"Looks, Toki, we discovers someding dat plays the guitar worse dan you!" Skwisgaar said brightly.

"A mermaid playing a guitar. I can't decide if that's metal or lame," Nathan grunted.

Toki laughed and clapped his hands appreciatively at the mermaid's tone-deaf plonking. She took the encouragement and picked and plonked harder at the Gibson.

"Dood. Maybe we can get her into the video," Pickles suggested. "I bet we could pay her in fish."

"Yous guys wants to pay a hards-rocking mermaid in fish?" Toki snorted.

"Yeah; chicks are usually pickier than that. It'll have to be like . . . . . shrimp," Nathan grunted.

"I don'ts likes the way she is lookink at me wid dose tooths!" Skwisgaar announced, skittering back to the dry part of the dock. "I don'ts likes the look of any girl who bites your dick off!"

"Did you shee if she's got a p//guitar riff//y?!" Murderface demanded.

"You goes to look!"

"I ain't gettin' in there; mermaidsh drown people and eat them," the bass player stated casually.

"Seriously? Whoa, that's kind of metal," Nathan grunted.

"You does greats!" Toki laughed, clapping his hands to the mermaid's attempt to play. "Oh, you needs to be plugged into amps!"

The young Norwegian reached into the water and fished around until he came up with the Gibson's trailing cord. He ran, dripping seawater, to the amps placed safely on heavy rubber mats and plugged in the mermaid's guitar. Toki, who was also standing on the heavy rubber mats, got away with a mild shock.

The mermaid, soaking wet, with her tail still in the water and clutching a now plugged-in electrical device, was not so lucky.

The water was worked into froth by the electrocution. By the time the fuse popped for the amp and the mermaid slumped back against the dock, the odor of grilled fish was heavy in the air.

Nathan fumbled for his tape recorder.

"Idea for a song: a mermaid falls in love with a guy, but instead of running off with her he sells her to a medical lab and they cut her up and stick electrodes on her. Oh yeah, this happens forever."

Toki burst into tears and ran off into the sub, wailing loudly in Norwegian.


End file.
